PRETTY WOMAN (1990)

It’s OK for a guy to watch a Romance/Chick flicks/ Women’s picture if…month (Film 3 of 11)

Pretty Woman

It’s OK for a guy to watch a Romance/Chick flicks/ Women’s picture if…

The main female character is a hooker. (I stress female to leave out that other Richard Gere movie, American Gigolo.)

or if...

It has George Costanza from Senifeld, so you the viewer can throw in some George lines if you’re bored such as “I was in the pool!” or “Van Delay! Van Delay!

It’s also interesting that the movie has Seinfeld's actual George Costanza (Jason Alexander) as well as the almost choice for George Costanza, Larry Miller, who has a pretty funny role as a very compliant salesman. Well, it's kind of interesting.

Also...

Speaking of American Gigolo, If I recall in that film, murder suspect Richard Gere gave advice on how to dress to detective Hector Eliznondo. In Pretty Woman, Hector Elinzondo sends Gere’s girlfriend/hooker/niece Julia Roberts to the proper store to get suitably dressed. I think I remember that correctly.

Also, we have the last or nearly the last screen appearance of film veteran Ralph Bellamy. I last saw Bellamy in the 1940 musical Dance, Girl, Dance with Lucille Ball. Lucy has a cameo of sorts in Pretty Woman during the scene when Julia Roberts is watching an I Love Lucy rerun. I'm still not sure if that would count as a connection in the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game.

We also have a scene with Julia watching an Audrey Hepburn/Cary Grant movie making the critical comparisons between her in this film and Audrey in Roman Holiday more obvious…which leads us to the next film on the list…

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WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (1989)

It’s OK for a guy to watch a Romance/Chick flick/ Women’s picture if...(Film 2 of 11)

When Harry Met Sally

It’s OK for a guy to watch a Romance/Chick flick/ Women’s picture if...

The lead actor is Billy Crystal

or

If someone that looks like Billy Crystal can win over someone that looks like Meg Ryan.*

*I do have to mention that this film is an exception to what I call The Meg Ryan exclusionary rule. It’s still NOT okay for a guy to watch either Kate and Leopold, IQ, The Women, French Kiss, Prelude to a Kiss, etc. But When Harry Met Sally, that is OK.

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WOMEN ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN (1988, SPAIN)

Let’s face it. Pedro Almodovar’s film, Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown is a chick flick. It doesn’t have the subversive twists that the two other Almodovar films I’ve seen(Talk to Her, The Skin I’m In) have. Of course, for many American filmgoers, watching any film in Spanish may constitute subversion on at least some level.

Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown is a comedy about a middle aged woman who is coping with the breakup of her (married) boyfriend.

Now this film is in the 1001 movie book. But if this same plot had been in English and was directed by Garry Marshall and starred Sandra Bullock, I’d probably dismiss it as fluff. I realize that isn't particularly fair, but we all have our preconceived biases.

So this month, I've decided that I’m watching movies designed for the fairer sex and making up my own rules as I go along as to why it’s OK for a guy to watch it (other that it is in the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die book).

So here’s the first rule.
It’s OK for a guy to watch a Romance/Chick flick/ Women’s picture if...

Pedro Almodovar directed it.

That may seem like a pretty narrow rule and only pertains to a handful of films, but I'm new at this and I'm sticking with it.

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HALLOWEEN (1978)

(Monster Chiller Horror Month film 14 of 14)

Halloween (1978)

After viewing the film Halloween on October 30, 2012, I felt compelled to re-enter my Apple iWayback Time Machine® and travel back over time and space…over space and time…and land on the date…

October 30, 1978

My Apple Iwayback Time Machine® lands outside the cafeteria of my old high school. I unstrap myself before entering this building from my past. As I ease through the doorway, I immediately see a teenager sitting alone at a table eating what appears to be a rather greasy cheeseburger. I take the seat across from him. Our conversation is recounted below.

The Older: (Extending hand) Hello

The Younger: (reluctantly shaking hands) Hello? Do I know you? It’s funny, but you look an awful lot like my father.

The Older: (Laughing) Well you’re on the right track, but I’ll get to that in a minute. So…it’s the day before Halloween. What are you planning to do tonight?

The Younger: Me and my girl are going to watch a movie.

The Older: Girl?

The Younger: Okay. Okay. Me and a couple of the guys from the AV club are going to watch the movie Halloween if you must know.

The Older: (Pumping Fist) Yes! I’ve come back to just the right time.

The Younger: Look, Mister. Who exactly are you?

The Older: Well, this may be hard to believe, but I’m you. I’ve traveled back in time from the year 2012.

The Younger initially stands as if to protest before slinking back to his seat.

The Younger: (Thoughtfully) I…I believe you. I’ve somehow always known about you, and have dreaded your coming. What exactly is it you want from me?

The Older: Don’t be alarmed. I just wanted you to share your thoughts with me on the movie Halloween.

The Younger: (Clearing his throat) All right. That doesn’t sound too difficult. It’s on Home Box Office tonight. Cable premiere. It’s such a great movie!

The Older: Don’t know if it will stand the test of time.

The Younger: What do you mean? This was the main movie we talked about in school last spring. When I saw it at the theater, the audience was hiding their eyes or gasping or yelling out to the screen, “Don’t go in there.” Like yelling out is going to help!

The Older: I know. I was there, too.

The Younger: Oh, yeah. Since you seem to already know everything, why is it you need to visit me?

The Older: I’m hoping to use you as a conduit for drumming up some enthusiasm for this movie. I can’t seem to do it.

The Younger: Really? I become that jaded over time? That’s a depressing thought. But what about that great story? Six-year-old killer escapes fifteen years later from madhouse to terrorize hometown. It’s got suspense! Thrills! Violence! Frights! Scary Music! P. J. Soles topless! What more do you want from a movie?

The Older: Part of the problem is how often Halloween has been copied or borrowed from or stolen from or whatever it is you want to call it. The plot and the style of this movie seem like old hat at this point. I have seen and you will see many of these types of movies over the next few years.

The Younger: So you’re saying the fact that Halloween is an influential movie and is copied much in the future makes it look weaker? Why is it fair to blame the original movie?

The Older: It isn’t fair. But that doesn’t change my perception of it.

The Younger: Okay. What about the thrills and the chills in the movie?

The Older: They’re okay. But seem a little tamer than I remember. Especially right after seeing The Evil Dead.

The Younger: Whatever that is. What about that great music?

The Older: The score, you mean? I would say an excellent initial use of music begins to be overused by the movies second half.

The Younger: And the acting? Jamie Lee Curtis can really scream and I really like Donald Pleasence.

The Older: He’s a bit over the top, I’m afraid. Always reciting overdramatic platitudes like “The evil has escaped” or “He had the devil’s eyes.” Just too much.

The Younger: Geez, man. What about P. J. Soles topless?

The Older: Well, you got me there. I still like P. J. Soles.

The Younger: (Thinking for a moment) But I think Halloween will stand the test of time, better than say, The Exorcist.

The Older: I disagree with you. Since your standing the test of time quotient is about four years, I’m going with my opinion on this one. I think The Exorcist holds up quite well.

The Younger: That is really heavy. I liked The Exorcist when I first saw it. Now I’ve outgrown it and later you’re saying I will grow back into it? Huh. So your or my opinion on Halloween will change as we get older. So what will we think about other movies I like now? What about Psycho? You must still like Psycho.

The Older: One of my favorites.

The Younger: That's a relief. It’s good to know I don’t become a total asshole.

The Older: You watch your mouth, young man!

The Younger: What are you going to do? Ground me in the hopes I won’t turn into you?

The Older: Good point.

The Younger: I was just thinking that if you’re me years from now, how about throwing me some Super Bowl scores so I can place some knowledgeable bets in the seasons to come?

The Older: Sorry, kid. This is about Halloween. Not Back to the Future.

The Younger: What the hell is Back to the Future? Ah, never mind.

(The Older starts to leave)

The Younger: Hey, where are you going? Can’t you give me any advice for my life?

The Older: (After thinking for a moment) Yes. Avoid Halloween 2. It will really suck. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve really got to go now.

The Older leaves the cafeteria and gets into his Apple iWayback Time Machine® and sets it in motion. The Younger leans out the cafeteria door.

The Younger: (Yelling to be heard over the roar of the Apple iWayback Time Machine®) Could you just answer me one question before you go?

The Older nods.

The Younger:(Yelling) Are you the boogieman?

The Older: Yes, that’s exactly who I am.

The Older disappears back into his own time.

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THE FLY (1986)

(Monster Chiller Horror Month film 13 of 14)

The Fly

Number of times scene: 2 or 3

The way I remember the original The Fly that was released in 1958, a doctor is conducting transportation experiments and transports himself unwittingly with a fly and ends up with having a human body and a fly head!

The last scene has Vincent Price finding the other half of the fly body stuck on a spiderweb with a small human head squeaking “Help me, Help me!” before being put out of his misery by a stone. I remember my brother used to scare me by repeating the “Help me, Help me,” line, which was pretty chilling (Though some find this scene in the film pretty campy)

But the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die book prefers David Cronenberg’s 1986 resurrection of The Fly, (honestly, so do I) where a simple but seemingly obvious improvement was made from the first film: Wouldn’t it be more logical and interesting if the fly and the doctor were somehow fused? It really didn’t make sense for the computer to say human head on fly and fly head on human. In the remake we get to see Dr. Brundle turn into a sort of human housefly where his physical degeneration is probably the highlight of the film. And the last scene is alternately gross and kinda makes ya weepy at the same time.

One unnecessary note on the 1958 version of The Fly: It was not only popular enough to spawn two sequels and also led to an infamous copycat film called The Wasp Woman, which is a movie about a woman who uses wasplike aging cream or something and turns into a Wasp creature. I remember seeing this campy film on television during the 70’s and I admit,(and this is a sad confession) that I did find it a little scary at the time.

From the original The Fly, I can still here my brother saying "Help Me! Help Me!" in mocking tones.

Laugh if you will. But I still say The Wasp Woman is damn scary!

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ALIENS (1986) vs. AVATAR (2009)

(Monster Chiller Horror Month films 11 & 12 of 14)

Aliens vs. Avatar

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Good evening. I’m Sigourney Weaver and this week’s battle on James Cameron Movie Elimination Showdown features to my left the Alien or should I say one of the aliens from the movie Aliens and to my right is one of the Na’Vi, Na-vee, uh, I’ll just call you Avatar to simplify things if you don’t mind. Now Mr. Alien. And I admit I didn’t know you could even talk. But go ahead and state your case.

ALIEN: Well nobody ever gave me much of a chance to talk in the movies. Always trying to kill me and the like.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Well, you were trying to kill me, too!

ALIEN: I wasn't trying to kill you really. You were just so distracting in your underwear, can I really be held accountable for my actions?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: (blushing) Flatterer.

AVATAR: I thought you were supposed to be a female?

ALIEN: It's called acting, you blue bozo!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Anyway. State your case. Why is Aliens better than Avatar?

ALIEN: Well, we made…you and I and Cameron and a whole lot of people made and defined what a modern day action picture should be. Being a sequel actually helped us. We had the bonus of a setup before the action starts and never lets up.

AVATAR: Yes, but you do that at the expense of characters. Pretty one dimensional in my opinion.

ALIEN: Look who’s talking, Mr. "We stole our plot idea from Ferngully." And what about all that corny dialogue like (speaking formally) “You are now a son of the Omaticaya, Jakescully. You are the colors of the wind and rainbow and one with nature. a network of energy that flows through all living things, your spirit goes with Eywa.” Come on! It's Dances With Wolves on acid!

AVATAR: You’re one to talk. Why does Bill Paxton have to talk like an 80’s surfer dude in your movie? Isn’t it supposed to be set in the future?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: OK, Avatar. Why are you better?

AVATAR: Well. Only the most amazing special effects ever. Only the biggest box office hit of all time. It’s like a beautiful dream…only it’s real.

ALIEN: With stock characters you stole from Aliens. The Latino chick that kicks ass. The weasly little dweeb who is only after a buck. Recycled characterizations, blue boy!

AVATAR: Cameron refined these characters in Avatar…took away the flaws in their characterizations and made them more interesting, like the way we updated your prehistoric special effects.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Well, you got to admit when it comes to characterization, we are dealing with James Cameron and not Paddy Chayevsky.

(Alien and Avatar both laugh)

AVATAR: And we have, of course, the lovely Ms. Weaver in our picture as well. (Turning to Sigourney) If I hadn’t already chosen a mate, I would definitely consider you even if you are one of the skypeople.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Why you’re a flatterer too, but alas, I’m afraid its too late. The votes are in and the winner is….Aliens.

(Avatar raises his hands and curses in Na’Vi)

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: I’m sorry Avatar, but you’re terminated fucker!

(SIGOURNEY WEAVER pulls a lever and a trap door opens and the Avatar disappears.)


SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Turning to the Alien. I always wanted to say that.

ALIEN: I thought your line was “Get away from her, you bitch.”

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: I’m the host of this show and I’ll use whichever damn James Cameron catchphrase I want! Do you understand?

(The Alien spreads his hands in mock surrender)

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: And speaking of The Terminator. Next week on James Cameron Movie Elimination Showdown, we have the Terminator T-800 facing off against Rose from Titanic. Ought to be quite a match up.

Good night for now and until next week…we’ll be back.

(The Alien and Sigourney Weaver wave goodbye to the audience as the screen fades to black.)

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THE TERMINATOR (1984), TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (1991)

(Monster Chiller Horror Month films 9 & 10 of 14)

The Terminator & The Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Previous viewings: 4

That Terminator is out there. He can not be bargained with. He can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear…and it absolutely will not stop EVER…until you are dead!

I remember the first time I saw The Terminator. It was at the Lyceum Theater at Georgia State University. The college crowd that I was among was silent throught most of the movie. A few gasps were audible here and there, but the crowd was totally into it and it was damn scary...

At least that’s the way I remember it.

Today, it’s still an intense viewing experience. The plot of this relentless futuristic cyborg going back in time for the sole purpose of killing the mother of the man who will save humanity makes might make you feel silly if you look at the plot too closely. As the 1001 book points out, this film could have easily been a candidate for an especially cheesy episode of Mystery Science Theater, yet it never does. I’m buying into the Terminator thing and I’m still buying into The Terminator thing. I guess we have James Cameron to thank for that. And Arnold. And one other name-Brad Fiedel and his sythestisized heart pounding music. Thanks, Brad.

Favorite line: Not one of the more famous ones, but the scene where the Termintor is walking down the hall of his lodgings with his shotgun, a black guy backs away from him and says, “DAMN!” Don’t ask me why I like this so much, but I know if I saw a Terminator coming, I’d probably say the same thing.

Thank God he went back to 1984 and not 2012: I gripe about this a lot. How cell phones and the ease of communication and reaching people might be good for our lives, but bad for drama. Think of the scenes in The Terminator that involve phone books, answering machines and phone booths. With that music thumping in the background it makes the tension almost unbearable. Now, picture the Terminator going back to 2012. He kills some biker, takes his clothes and laptop and procedes to find Sarah Conner on Google. Uh, not exciting.

I thought the one thing The Terminator didin’t need was a sequel, but we got one in 1991, Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

I stand corrected about us needing this. The first hour of T2 never seems to let up. With the first Terminator movie to build on, T2 has a new, more advanced Terminator sent from the future to kill the young John Conner. This film has the effective twist of the old Terminator model (Arnold) being reprogrammed to protect John Conner from the new one one.

The second half drags a bit with a few too many Sarah Conner voice over narrations, “The Terminator was the like the father John had never had and would never have…"or something like that. And the product placement was a bit much at times. (How many Pepsi machines are in this movie?) But these are minor quibbles. I like this one too. Both would be in my book.

But one thing The Terminator series didn’t need was a sequel to the sequel and this time I think I was right.

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