PEEPING TOM (1960), GREAT BRITAIN, BLACK NARCISSUS (1946, GREAT BRITAIN)

(Rod and Chip Go To the Movies, Part 4: The Awakening)

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The events depicted are real…sort of.

Sometime in the 80’s…

Rod and I came out of The Silver Screen Theater breathing a sigh of relief. After the fiasco a couple of weeks ago involving our unwitting viewing of the gay oriented films Satyricon and Sebastiane, our recent Silver Screen double feature viewing of Peeping Tom and Black Narcissus provided a welcome relief.

“Can you believe Peeping Tom was made over twenty years ago?” I asked Rod.

Rod rubbed his chin as he thought my question over. “It kind of puts Blood Beach and New Year’s Evil in their proper place on the movie quality food chain. Oh, and did you catch the nude scene? It was only for about a second. But I clearly saw breasts.”

“No way, that was a 1960 movie. You were just imagining things.” I said.

“I know what I saw,” Rod said, holding his position.

I told him that if he imagined he saw a brief nude scene, than a nude scene it was. I didn’t want to argue the point. When I asked him about the other film we saw, Black Narcissus, he looked much more puzzled.

“That was a tough nut to crack,” he said. “Beautiful looking film. I wasn’t sure of the point. I have to admit when that nun shed her habit and put on her lipstick it was pretty darn sexy.”

“We got to get you a girlfriend, pronto.” I snickered as I said it, but I actually found the scene a bit provocative as well.

“Back to your original question,” Rod said. “I wasn’t really sure of the point of Black Narcissus, but just by definition of it being shown at the Silver Screen, it had to have a point. Am I not right, Chip old man? That’s the comfort in seeing a movie here. You know they're not going to show something like Chu Chu and the Philly Flash or Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen. What they show will have significance to someone, somewhere in someway. Comprende?”

I nodded as I thought he had actually made a good point. As we left the theater, I grabbed the Silver Screen calendar.

“Before you continue with your metaphysical philosophy on film choice, why don’t we take a peek at the coming attractions,” I said.

I looked at the calendar for a moment before all feeling left my hand and dropped the calendar to the sidewalk.

Rod picked it up and looked at it. “What’s the matter with you, are you-Oh, my God!”

Rod and I sat down at the same time on the bench outside the box office.

“It’s over. Can you believe it? This is the last movie,” Rod said.

Neither one of us said anything else for the next minute until a man in a three-piece suit came up to us.

“Hey, I know you guys,” the man said. “I saw you at the Rhodes for Motel Hell and for Il Sebastiane here couple of weeks ago.”

Being still in a state of shock, it took a moment for us to recognize him as the man who was dressed as Frank-n-Furter at the Rhodes Halloween week and the man who was with another man he referred to as his husband during the showing of the infamous Sebastiane the week after. It’s funny how the embarrassment of seeing that film suddenly seemed so unimportant.

“Oh, hello. You look different.” I said to him, though my mind was still on the closing of the theater.

“Well, I wouldn’t get much business as an accountant if I dressed like a queen from nine to five, would I? Anyway, my real name actually is Frank. You probably don’t believe it, but it's true.”

He stuck his hand out for us to shake. After we shook his hand, he joined us on our bench.

“A shame this place is being shut down, isn’t it?” he said.

“What happened Frank? Why are they taking away our theater?” Rod asked.

“Georgia-Pacific bought it, I believe. The venerable old movie house just doesn’t do enough business anymore. People want to see second run movies, they just rent a videocassette these days.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. “Videocassettes? Like I have Eight-Hundred dollars to buy one of those players or sixty more to buy a movie. And I want to see it on the big screen anyway. What the hells the matter with people?”

“I know. I know.” Frank said as he tried to comfort me by patting my hand. “You’re preaching to the choir, honey.”

As if suddenly waking out of a trance, Rod grabbed me by my shirtsleeve. “At least we still have the Rhodes. They aren’t planning to shut that down I imagine.”

Frank handed Rod a copy of the Arts and Entertainment section of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that he had just pulled out of his breast pocket.

Rod looked down the pages and began to read: Atlanta’s Rhodes theater will be showing the 1938 Spencer Tracy-Clark Gable movie Test Pilot this weekend.

Rod looked up. “You see! They’re still in business.”

“Keep reading.” Frank said.

The Rhodes is showing this film because it was the first film it showed in 1938, so the management thought this would be a fitting final farewell before the Rhodes goes under the wrecking…

Rod pulled his head from the paper and looked skyward before looking back and finishing…before the Rhodes closes its doors for good and goes under the wrecking ball.

Rod handed the paper back to Frank who casually tossed it to the ground.

The three of us sat on the bench and starred across the parking lot at the venerable Oxford Bookstore, wondering if even that Atlanta institution might one day be vulnerable to the greed of land developers.

“So, what do we do now?” I asked.

Frank turned to us and put out his hand to emphasize his point. “And they’re moving Rocky Horror from Garden Hills to Northlake Plaza next week. Can you believe it? Me..in suburbia”

Rod showed a little interest “I’ve never seen it. You, Chip?”

I shook my head.

Frank let out a laugh that came close to registering as a squeal. “Oh, my. A couple of virgins, huh? Well come down to Northlake next Saturday, midnight.”

“We might as well,” Rod said. “Our social options seem to be suddenly limited.”

Frank stood up. “I got to run. I’ll look for you kids. Remember Rocky Horror. It’ll make you forget about this disappointment. Come dressed up if you dare. I’ll copy an extra script for you if you want to participate. Hey, you’d make a good Eddie,” Frank said looking my way as he left the two of us on our bench.

“What did he mean by that?” I asked Rod

“Oh, I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore. My whole worldview has been decimated into fragments.”

I took one last look at the calendar. “Peeping Tom and Black Narcissus have one more showing tomorrow. You want to come back?”

“We’ve already seen these two, but I guess we could come tomorrow and watch them again. One more chance to…no, that would be prolonging the agony. I’m done. It’s time to move on.” Rod sighed.

“I guess you’re right. Guess I’ll save up for a video cassette player.”

“Guess the first movie you’ll get will be Pillow Talk. You’ll be able to watch it anytime you want.”

“Shut up about Pillow Talk already!”

Rod laughed and I couldn’t help but smile a little too, though I was not smiling at his endless need to make fun of the movie Pillow Talk. I was instead thinking of all the great movie moments that I had experienced at the greatest theater in the world over the last few years.

We both turned our gaze to the Silver Screen marquee one last time before driving away.

IN OUR NEXT EPISODE OF ROD AND CHIP GO TO THE MOVIES...WE SEE ROD AND CHIP GOING TO THE MOVIES DURING THE 90'S, BUT WILL IT BE FOR THE LAST TIME?

Read More

SATYRICON (1969, ITALY)

(Rod and Chip Go To the Movies Part 3: The Emasculation)

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The events depicted are real…sort of.

Sometime during the 80’s…

My friend Rod and I were looking forward to seeing tonight’s double feature at the Peachtree Street's Silver Screen. We had seen many double features at the Peachtree Battle Shopping Center theater, but Satyricon and Sebastiane came equipped with an Adults Only label. It hadn’t been hard to convince Rod to come with me to see this one.

After our arrival, we were a bit surprised to see a long line outside the theater, but we shrugged and patiently joined the cue. On the other hand, the guy ahead of us was getting a little impatient.

“They need to pipe some disco music out here, “we overheard him say to his friend.

The voice sounded familiar. He turned and looked at us.

“Hey!” he said. “Didn’t I see you two at Night of the Living Dead a couple of weeks ago?”

“Oh, yeah.” Rod said. “You were dressed as Frank-n-Furter. Yeah. How are you?”

“I’m a little cold,” Frank –n-Furter said. “Oh, this is my partner, Bruce.”

“Oh.” Rod said. Rod pointed at me. “This is…the guy I go to school with.”

“How do you do?” Bruce said to us.

Why did he feel the need to emphasize the first do? I thought.

Before I puzzled on this any further, the line began moving and we headed in.

“Hey, Rod.” I said quietly as we moved to the theater ticket booth. “There’s a lot of guys here. A lot of guys that look like they’re…together.”

“You fret too much. You have to expect a little of that. This is Atlanta. No worries,” Rod said as we went inside.

2 hours later, after our viewing of Fellini’s Satyricon

“Well, my first Fellini movie is in the books now,” I said. “I wonder if they’re all as odd as that one”

“Sheesh.” Rod added. “No wonder Rome fell! And I’m wondering why they didn’t just hand out hits of LSD at the door so we could get a better grasp on what the hell that movie was about?”

“Ascyltus, my sword is blunted!” I said

“No, Ascyltus, my sword is much more blunted than yours!” Rod said in return.

I laughed and shook my head. “I would think a movie with hermaphrodites, albinos. quadruple amputees and hunchbacked dwarfs would be right up your alley.”

“It’s all about hunchbacked dwarfs with you. It always comes back to HUNCHBACKED DWARFS!” Rod said.

“I can see where Frank ‘n Furter and his friend would like this movie. There was a little bit too much of mano e mano affection for my tastes,” I said.

“Yeah, kind of like that Rock Hudson movie you love so much, Pillow Talk.”

“Yes, yes. Hunchbacked dwarfs and Pillow Talk. You really got me figured out! Ha Ha!”

Rod waved both hands at me indicating he wanted a truce. He came closer so he could whisper.” Let’s move on, shall we? This second movie, Sebastiane, is why this is adults only. They put in Satyricon as a prestige film, which gives them the leeway to shove in the hot and heavy adult second feature. I can just picture Frank-n-Furter and his boyfriend running screaming from the theater as soon as they show a naked breast.”

I gave Rod a thumbs up. “I think its about to start. Let’s go find our seats.”

“After you, sweetheart.” Rod said fluttering his eyelashes.

“Oh, shut up,” I said as we went in.

1 hour later, midway through Sebastiane

Rod and I stumbled out to the lobby. He glanced in my direction, but just as quickly looked away.

“I’m not sure what to say,” he said.

“I-I-I,” I can barely speak,” I struggled to get even a few words out.

“Let’s just call this what it is. That’s a gay porn flick!”

“No! Let’s not jump to conclusions. The scene where...”

“What scene? What scene could you possibly be talking about contrary to what I just said? Are you going to try to spin this into something it isn’t? There’s St. Sebastiane taking an outdoor shower. There’s a guy leering at his naked body. Pan back to Sebastiane taking a shower. There’s the guy watching him again. Pan back to Sebastiane. A close-up of him washing himself, thoroughly…I mean all over. And then…I can hardly go on.” Rod rubbed his forehead in anguish.

“Oh, God. I know! What about the scene with those two guys? What were they doing?”

“I closed my eyes through a lot of that one. They were naked and grabbing each other. Why were they doing that…that way? Rod asked.

“And in slow motion. Why did it have to be in slow-motion? I thought it would never end. And with an aria from Carmen playing in the background,” I said.

“I think that was Verdi playing in the background and God I’m real uncomfortable discussing opera right now! I’m even embarrassed my name is Rod at the moment!”

We both noticed Frank-N-Furter coming to the concession area. We turned away from him and shielded our eyes. He didn’t notice us as he quickly bought his Good N’ Plenty and head back into the theater. After he scurried past us to his seat we looked at each other again.

“Well, what should we do?” I asked.

“We could leave now. But if there are women in the second half of the movie, we would have stayed through the gay half and left before the naked women came to the island or whatever. I’m not comfortable with that.” Rod said.

“It’s a risk. It can’t get any worse than it’s already been.”

“Let’s go,” Rod said.

We proceed back into the theater with a little hope.

1 hour later, after our viewing of Sebastiane

After the movie ended, the lights came on. Before anyone else got up to leave I looked at Rod. I yelled at him. “Let’s get out of here!”

Rod took my cue and hurdled past me and headed out the front door of the Silver Screen. I scampered behind him. As we sprinted to our getaway car, we both turned to the sign that said The Silver Screen and cursed it.

“We are to never talk about this again,” he said.

“It never happened. It never happened.” I replied.

IN OUR NEXT EPISODE OF ROD AND CHIP GO TO THE MOVIES, ROD AND CHIP RETURN TO THE SILVER SCREEN. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW, THEY WILL NEVER RETURN THERE AGAIN!

Read More

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)

(Rod and Chip Go to the Movies 2: The Heckling)

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The events depicted are real…sort of.

Sometime during the 80’s…

The feel of Halloween was everywhere as we entered the Rhodes Theater off of Atlanta’s historic Peachtree Street. Rod and I were especially looking forward to tonight's double feature. We plunked down our money for Ms. May, the ninety-nine year old ticket taker with the fire engine red hair, to scoop up. She gave us a smile that we returned as we headed over to purchase a snack.

"She's a legend," Rod whispered to me.

I nodded in agreement as we got a big tub of buttered popcorn to share. It was definitely a popcorn kind of movie night.

We came across a man dressed up as Tim Curry’s character Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

"Hey, you guys are going to love the second feature. It's got soooo many old people," he said. He flipped his hand out at us to give extra emphasis to the word soooo.

We gave him a hesitant thumbs up as we entered the theater.

Frank-n-Furter was talking about Motel Hell, a 1980 horror film starring Rory Calhoun, which was the second feature on the bill. We were going to sit through it all right, but it was Night of the living Dead, the first feature that we were really there to see, it being Rod's favorite movie and all.

“Night of the living Dead! Night of the living Dead! Night of the living Dead!” Rod repeated the title three times and smiled in anticipation as he took his seat with the big box of popcorn.

"And on the big screen." I said for emphasis as if this special moment for Rod wasn’t significant enough already. “But, I wouldn’t say it was my favorite movie.”

Rod scoffed. “So what’s your favorite movie? Pillow Talk? Maybe you and Frank-n-Furter can watch next weeks Doris Day-Rock Hudson double feature together. I think there going to show The Glass Bottom Boat-”

“All right, shut up about it already. I should have never told you I liked Pillow Talk!” I said.

Rod put a finger to his lips for quiet as the lights began to dim.

It was then that we heard someone behind us noisily struggle to their seat. The guy behind us cackled and hooted after he finally sat down. You can always tell when someone sitting near you in a movie theater might be trouble. And this was trouble.

Rod looked worried.

The lights went down and the movie came on. Rod’s eyes sparkled as he watched the title flash before us on the screen.

Maybe there wouldn’t be any trouble after fall. I thought.

My relief was short lived as the dude behind us yelled ‘Woooooooooo!” As the credits rolled across the screen. Rod looked at me with a barely restrained expression of outrage.

The guy behind us (who we quickly labeled “the dude”) didn’t make noise constantly throughout the movie, or else I’m sure that he and Rod would have come to blows.

There were, however, some disturbing incidents, most noticeably in the scenes whenever an older zombie would descend upon the house and the dude kept repeating, “Get it Granny!”

3 hours later

By the time of the end credits to Motel Hell, Rod looked at me. “That movie was alright. Love that Elaine Joyce. Glad it ended happily. But my God, our friend here slept through all of Motel Hell. Why couldn’t he have slept through Living Dead instead?”

We noticed the dude stretching as he got out of his seat when the lights came on. He looked at us. “Movies are over already? Damn, I must have tied one on.”

I looked worriedly at Rod’s bloodshot eyes, fearing there might be trouble.

“Let’s go Rod. Let's just get a beer at Jaggers,” I said.

“No, Chip. I got to say something here.” Rod said.

“Hey dude,” he said to the dude. “You know what you need?”

The dude heard the question, but just stared back at Rod with a vacant expression.

“Better material.” Rod said.

The dude looked confused, but Rod continued. “We’re going to our neighborhood bar. You want to join us?”

I was surprised at this olive branch of peace, and even more surprised when the dude (whose actual name was Dan) accepted.

At Jaggers, we began drinking a pitcher of Stroh’s Lite, when Dan brought up the subject again. “What did you guys mean when you said I needed better material?”

I started to say something, but Rod broke in. “What I meant was, if you are going to interrupt the greatest movie of all-time you better come equipped with your A-game.”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked.

Rod cracked his knuckles. “Ok, son. Heckling 101. For example: Don’t you think it is weird that they kept killing zombies? You might have said off-handedly to no one in particular, ‘Isn’t killing a zombie redundant?”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked again.

“Zombies are already dead. Why do you need to kill them?” I said.

Dan thought for a moment and then laughed. “Hey, that is kind of funny.”

“And you know how some of the zombies walked like Elvis Costello? What do you think you should say there?” Rod asked.

Dan thought for a minute as he took a drink from his beer glass. “I know. You’d say that zombie looks like Elvis Costello.”

“That’s okay, but wouldn’t it be better to say, “Ladies and Gentleman, Elvis Costello! as he walks by,” Rod said.

“Say it like you’re an announcer at a rock concert. And some of those zombies were exhibiting a lot of Joe Cocker movements. Use that too” I said.

“That’s good, Chip.” Rod said. “But you don’t want to overdue the Cocker references. After one or two, it gets stale awfully quick.”

Dan was very interested now. “I like it. You got anymore?”

“I have one.” I said. “When the zombies were marching to the house and appeared to be in unison you might start singing The Jets song from West Side Story.”

Dan looked puzzled. “I don’t know that one.”

Rod pounded his fist onto the table. “Danny, boy. You’ve got to work on getting a handle on common frames of references. Casablanca, On the Waterfront, and the entire Billy Wilder catalog are good places to start. Movies with lots of memorable quotes.

Dan nodded in agreement and actually pulled out a pen and started writing the suggestions down on a napkin.

“Comment on any repetition.” I said.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked.

“You know how they endlessly argue about whether to stay in the cellar or not? Just blurt out something like, ‘The Night of the Living Dead drinking game, one shot every time they say the word cellar.’” Rod said.

“Guess you’d get pretty drunk if you took a drink every time they said cellar.” Dan proudly observed.

“He said cellar!” I shouted and downed my drink, as did Rod.

Dan hesitated, but then smiled and chugged his beer.

“You remember how the guy is boarding up the house and keeps asking the girl to help him and she doesn’t do anything for the longest time and then after about twenty minutes she finally brings him a couple pieces of wood? Maybe talk as if you are her and say, ‘Here’s a couple of pieces of wood, can I go now?’ And don’t forget to be whiny as if you are talking for her,” Rod said.

“In her voice? Yes, that would be better.” Dan said as he scratched his chin.

“And don’t forget what I call the absurdist comparative paradox, where you come up with something totally unrelated but relevant to what the characters are saying. Like when the character says ‘Murder victims are being partially devoured by their murderers,’ you say something like ‘like what Elizabeth Taylor does with husbands.’” I said.

“Chip never misses the chance for a Liz Taylor reference,” Rod said. “But like the Joe Cocker thing, don’t overdue it.”

I shrugged at Rod’s slight rebuke. “Let’s hear yours then, Rod old man. What’s that speech the radio announcer says?”

Rod put his hand up to his ear as if he is Gary Owens from Laugh-In.
"From Washington-‘It has been established that person's who have recently died,have been returning to life and committing acts of murder.The unburied dead are coming back to life and seeking human victims.’ And then to contrast in the same announcers voice say…something like… in the lighter side of the news,lets take a look at Freddie the news chimp on his magic tricycle.”

“I get it! Because if zombies were taking over, there wouldn’t be any lighter side of the news.” Dan said.

“Yes, Danny. Yes.” Rod said, proudly praising his star pupil.

“I remember that radio announcer going on and on. Would it work with that?” Dan asked.

“Yes, when he drones on and advices to kill the brain, kill the ghoul. Say that, hesitate and then excitedly say, And on tonight’s episode of Fibber McGee and Molly…yadda yadda.”

“I think Fibber McGee and Molly is a shaky reference. Our generation may not have ever heard of Fibber McGee and Molly.” I said.

“Chip, you disappoint me. I’ve heard of it. You’ve heard of it. We don’t have to actually have to know what an episode sounds like. We know it’s an old radio show reference. We understand the reference enough to use the joke!”

I didn’t want to register my disagreement with Rod, so I let the point pass. We were in teaching mode after all and I had to admit Rod was on a roll.

Rod turned away from me and looked Dan squarely in the eye. “Dan, the whole yelling out ‘get it granny’ thing. About the third time you yelled out ‘Get it granny’ when the old zombie tries to grab them. I almost climbed over my seat to punch you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh, no permanent harm done. But next time make it interesting. Say something like ‘Who said there aren’t any good roles for older actresses in Hollywood?'”

“Or at least Pittsburgh.” I interject. “Remember, it’s set outside of Pittsburgh and was shot there.”

“And Danny boy, what did you say when the naked zombie was headed to the house?”

Dan looked down in shame. “I think I just shouted out ‘Owwwwww.’”

“Can you think of anything better?”

Dan scrunched his brow in thought. “Maybe I could have said like I was talking in her voice and ask if this is the way to the zombie centerfold shoot.”

Dan had a proud look on his face as we clapped for him.

“The fact that the posse needlessly shoots a black man in the last scene is an attempt to make a commentary on the unjust way that blacks have been treated in American society,” Rod said.

“What’s the punch line?” Dan asks.

“There is no punch line.” I said. “That’s Rod’s overall take on this movie.”

Rod nods. “Yes, Danny. Jokes aside, this is still my favorite movie.”

Dan stands up and throws some money on the table. “Guys. I want to thank you for giving me some things to think about.”

We shake hands with Dan and he departs.

“I think he has potential.” Rod says.

I nod in agreement.

IN OUR NEXT EPISODE OF ROD AND CHIP GO TO THE MOVIES, ROD AND CHIP GO TO A HIGH-BROW X-RATED MOVIE, THOUGH IT TURNS OUT TO NOT BE THE KIND OF MOVIE THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE!

Read More

L'AVVENTURA (1960, ITALY)

Rod and Chip Go To the Movies Part 1: Beginnings

(The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The events depicted are real…sort of)

1977

Schoolmates, Rod (age 15) and Chip (age 14), have just gone to see a presentation of Michaelangelo Antonioni’s film L’Avventura at an Emory University Lecture Hall. They have stopped for a cheeseburger at a nearby Burger Chef.

Rod: Glad you were able to go with me this afternoon. It’s about time you and I finally went to see a movie together.

Chip: Oh, no problem. It was…interesting.

Rod: I sense that it wasn’t what you were expecting.

Chip: I just always thought there was a little more…sex in those 60’s European movies.

Rod: This wasn’t an Emmanuelle movie! This was an art film.

Chip: Emmanuelle? You’ve seen an actual X-rated movie?

Rod: No, I’ve read about plenty, though. And my brother has told me all about them.

Chip:Ah, the all knowing, all wise Nick.

Rod: Nick’s been around. He’s twenty-three you know.

Chip: Huh. I didn’t realize he was that old.

Rod: Anyway, the sexuality in L’Avventura was all there-you just had to read between the lines and use your mind.

Chip: Except in that art scene. All those Picasso-type nude paintings.

Rod: There you go, Chip! There were some nude scenes, after all.

Chip: I was looking more for actual giant breasts spilling out into a close-up!

Rod: You disappoint me, Chip. I have to remind myself sometimes that you’re only fourteen. Besides, this isn’t a Russ Meyer movie! At least I’ve heard Russ Meyer movies are the way you described. You know…maybe you just haven’t starved enough yet to appreciate a movie like this. (Rod uses this as a segue to eat of couple of Chip’s fries)

Chip: Order your own next time!

Rod: (Waiving off Chip’s complaint) So… What did you think of Monica Vitti?

Chip: Oh, the blonde? I liked her, I just wanted to see a little more of her. That reminds me, did I tell you about the time a couple of years ago when my dad took me to see The Reincarnation of Peter Proud?

Rod: No. Go on.

Chip: I didn’t realize before that you could show breasts in an R rated movie! Margot Kidder, that was who it was. They actually showed her boobs in the bathtub! And the blonde in that movie! When she took her top off...I felt my breath leave me for a moment. I remember looking for everyone else’s reaction in the theater. I wanted to shout aloud “Oh, me God, mateys! There be tits on the screen!”

Rod: (Laughing) Oh, a twelve-year old seeing his first set of ‘moving bosoms.’ What a sweet story.

Chip: Knock it off. If you continue to mock, I won’t share.

Rod: Okay. Okay. Speaking of stories. Did I ever tell you about the time my brother took a date to see the movie O Lucky Man!?

Chip: Ah, the great Nick again.

Rod: Anyway. After the movie ended, the two of them left the theater and she began pounding him with her umbrella, all the time cursing at him about how dare he take her to see such a weird movie.

Chip: I like that story. But do you have a point here?

Rod: The point is…people don’t want anything at the movies that are too different. They want Rocky. They want Star Wars. They want the music from Saturday Night Fever. My God, the next time I hear You Should Be Dancing, somebody is liable to get hurt!

Chip: Then what about movies like L’Avventura?

Rod: Probably a relic of the past, my friend. Think about some of the movies we’ve talked about over the past few years that were our favorites. The Godfather, The Last Detail, Papillion, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest…

Chip: The Towering Inferno

Rod: Let’s leave that one out of the discussion for now so I can make my point.

Chip: If you do have a point to make, let’s try to get there soon.

Rod: I know a bit about movie history. Movies like the ones I just mentioned are the exception to the historical rule. We have been lucky enough to have grown up during a time when American movies actually began to be pretty good. But a quality movie can’t compete with something that appeals to the masses like a story about a fish that eats people.

Chip: I liked Jaws!

Rod: I liked Jaws, too. 1975 will always be the summer of Jaws, but I just have a bad feeling about the way movies are going.

Chip: Is that what Nick says?

Rod: You know I can have opinions independent from Nick. And what was the name of that big movie from this past summer?

Chip: You know it was Star Wars.

Rod: Right. It seems like every dumbass in our whole damn school can’t shut up about Star Wars. Good versus Evil boiled down to the basics for the simple-minded.

Chip: Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh?

Rod: Let me give you a quote from your typical Star Wars fan, Brice. This is Brice’s critique of Star Wars. Ahem ‘It was good. I like Star Wars because you don’t have to think about it. It’s just good!”

Chip: Pretty good Brice impersonation. But do you really think Brice is typical? Besides, he is the one with the cute girlfriend.

Rod: (angrily) Let me tell you something, Chip! Girls are just as stupid as most boys despite the power over us they possess. They are shallow. Brice plays on the football team. He can punt, or whatever the hell it is you do in football. That’s why Mary Margaret likes him. I used to think she had more depth. Guess I was the one who was naïve on that one.

Chip: Calm, down man! Let’s get back to your point. What you are saying is that you don’t think any movie with something subtle and profound to say can possibly compete with an intergalactic battle between good and evil with cute, fuzzy aliens and robots.

Rod: And with blinding special effects that makes moviegoers salivate as if they were a kitten following the path of a shining flashlight.

Chip: Special effects. You know, my favorite special effect is still how in the world they got the horse to speak on Mr. Ed.

Rod: Yeah. I’m still convinced Mr. Ed really talked.

Chip: I like simple special effects sometimes. Like that split screen scene from Pillow Talk.

Rod: Pillow Talk? You mean that Rock Hudson/Doris Day movie? Oh, Chip!

Chip: Yeah, I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal to have a simple split screen.

Rod: I don’t care about the split screen. The bigger issue is that you’re watching Rock Hudson/Doris Day movies during your spare time.

Chip: Let’s just drop it. Besides, Mr.Night of the Living Dead. At least my favorite movies aren’t about zombies.

Rod: Night of the Living Dead is not to be taken literally. It isn't really about zombies. It's a metaphor. It's about...it's about...life! You know, we’ve had this discussion before. And don’t start comparing something as simpleminded as Star Wars or as 'frou frou' as Pilow Talk to Night of the Living Dead!

Chip: Whatever you say, Rod. I think my ride's here.

Rod: All right, Chip. Oh, I see that next week Emory is going to be showing The 400 Blows. Interested?

Chip: But isn’t Close Encounters opening next weekend?

Rod: Yeah, that’s right. I admit I did want to see that one. I'll go. But if the aliens are too cuddly, I promise you I’m taking a walk! I'm going to march right out of that damn theater!

(Chip waves as he departs before Rod helps himself to Chip’s leftover French Fries.)

IN OUR NEXT EPISODE, CHIP AND ROD ATTEND A SCREENING OF NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD!

Read More

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY (1947)

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
by Ryan James

The 1001 Movie Blogger enters my office but stops short with a confused look on his face.

“Oh, pardon me. I must have the wrong office.”

“No, no. It’s alright, Chris. Come on in. I’m filling in for your therapist today.”

“But…where’s my usual therapist?”

“I’m afraid he’s tied up at the moment. It was all rather sudden. That’s why nobody notified you ahead of time. My name is Von James. Dr. Ryan Von James.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Dr. Von James, but uh, I don’t know if I’m comfortable opening up to a total stranger. Maybe I better re-schedule.”

“Nonsense, my boy. I’ve been reading up on your blog entries, and I’m very familiar with your case. Now, why don’t you lie down right here on the couch and get relaxed. That’s it. Now tell me, what is it that’s troubling you today?”

“Well… I think this whole blogging about movies thing is starting to get to me. I mean, I’ve always been prone to a daydream or two on occasion, but here lately—well, ever since I sat down and watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, it seems I’m constantly dropping in and out of daydreams and I can’t do anything to stop it. When I’m at work, I can’t concentrate. When I’m at social engagements, my friends think I’m being standoffish. It’s even beginning to affect my personal safety. I experienced three separate daydreams on the way over here. It’s a good thing my car practically knows the route.”

“And you say these daydreams are a product of your obsessive blogging about movies?”

“I’m almost sure of it because every daydream has me starring in a lead role in one of the movies I’ve reviewed. What’s really weird is, sometimes, I get caught up in a daydream where two movies are combined together, like that time Col. Kurtz was training me to be a Jedi Knight in the middle of some dark jungle.”
“I see.”

“Or sometimes my daydream takes place in only one movie world but then there’ll be casual references to other movies thrown in. And then there’s Bob.”

“What About Bob?”

“He’s a new employee at the library where I work. He’s just an intern really, but I get the feeling he’s always watching me, observing me. And he seems to always be communicating with someone on his smartphone, like he’s reporting back to his superiors. It’s rather unnerving.”

“I see.”

“So…whaddya think, Doc? Am I losing it? Or do you—do you suppose there’s some sort of evil mad genius at work here? I mean like somebody with a nefarious master plan who’s out to get me and drive me insane. No— No, I guess that sounds a bit silly, doesn’t it?”

“Preposterous.”

“Well, there you have it, Doc. That’s my predicament in a nutshell. So do you have any suggestions for me?”

“I know how to murder a man and leave no trace.”

“What! What did you say??”

“I said have you been having any other strange visions lately? For instance, when you’re walking around town, how do women appear to you? Are they always fully clothed or do you sometimes see women walking around in nothing but their undergarments?”

“Now really, doctor! What do you take me for? I’m a happily married man. I—I suppose, like most men, the occasional young beauty catches my eye, but I—“

“Sure, sure. I didn’t mean to offend. It’s just that sometimes—“

It was at that moment the office door opened, and Nurse Mayo walked in. My patient immediately sat up on the couch. His eyes nearly popped out of his head, and he began drooling like a ravenous wolf. He took great interest in the nurse as she walked over to me and handed me some papers.

“Doctor, would you sign these please?”

“Certainly, Miss Mayo, I’ll be glad to.”

I took the papers and signed each one before handing them back to Nurse Mayo, and that’s when I noticed it.

“Why, Miss Mayo!”

Both Miss Mayo and the patient gave me confused looks.

“Y-yes? What is it, doctor?”

“There’s a spot on your uniform!”

Miss Mayo looked down to examine herself and gasped.

“Oh, dear! I’m so sorry. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go change right away.”

With that, Nurse Mayo hurried out of the office shutting the door behind her.

“Please, pardon the interruption. It seems the paperwork is never ending around here. Anyway, as I was saying, I—Well, what is it my boy? You look as though you’ve just seen something totally unbelievable.”

“S-so that’s your nurse?”

“Yes, why?”

“I…”

“Yes?

“I didn’t see a spot on her uniform….”

“What? But it was clearly visible on her white uniform. Looked like a blotch of mustard or something.”

The patient said nothing. Then it dawned on me. I knew immediately what was up.

“You didn’t see a uniform at all, did you, Chris?”

The patient shook his head, then buried his face in his hands and began sobbing like a baby.

“No! I didn’t! I only saw lacy undergarments and thigh-high boots! Oh doctor, what am I going to do? What’s wrong with me??”

I walked over to the couch, sat down beside the patient, and patted him on the shoulder.

“There, there, my boy. It sounds to me like what you need is a vacation from your blog.”

“A vacation from my blog? Really?”

“Yes, turn off that computer for a while. Go out and get some fresh air. Relax. Enjoy life. Find yourself a nice girl. Get married—“

“But I’m already married!”

“Good, good. Maybe what you need, then, is to find some good books to read. That shouldn’t be too difficult for a librarian, ay? Maybe you can get together with this Bob fellow, and you can suggest books to each other and then talk about the books you’ve read. You may find out he’s a likable sort. Or maybe….”

“Yes?”

“Maybe you’d like to amuse yourself by playing a game of solitaire?”

Read More

BRIDESMAIDS (2011)

'Wondering how am I ever going to get through the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die list if they keep updating it with new entries' month.

(Post 10 of 10)

Bridesmaids

When I saw the 1001 updated list, I admit the one movie listed that made me roll my eyes was Bridesmaids. I knew the movie was popular, but I wasn’t enthused about watching it. I kept seeing that DVD cover of the Bridesmaids striking a militant pose that made me think of something like 27 Dresses or Sex and the City. Oh, boy.

I was also thinking of the article that Christopher Hitchens wrote in Vanity Fair called “Why Women Aren’t Funny.” The main point of which is we, the male, have to be more funny to attract a mate.

That being said, I admit Bridesmaids is funny.

There must be some explanation. Let's see.

Maybe it's funny because it was written by men, right?

No, the screenwriting credit is from star Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo.

It comes from Judd Apatow comedy factory and it probably isn’t as funny as the male point of view film, Knocked Up, right?

Honestly, I thought it was much funnier that Knocked Up.

I’m sure that the women in the supporting cast aren’t all that funny, right?

Well, actually Melissa McCarthy gives one of the funniest supporting performances in recent memory.

Well, for my next objection, I got…uh, I got nothing else. Maybe I need to re-read that Hitchens article.

Read More

HUGO (2011)

'Wondering how am I ever going to get through the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die list if they keep updating it with new entries' month.

(Post 9 of 10)

Hugo

If you watch a lot of DVD extras on the films on the 1001 movie list, you will receive many visits from Martin Scorcese. I honestly think the man has seen every movie ever made! It gets to the point where whenever I watch anything, one of the first questions that pops into my head is, “I wonder what Marting Scorcese thought about this?” It’s like Martin isn’t any longer the director of Goodfellas or Mean Streets. He’s just my thick eyebrowed buddy Marty and he’s gonna give me his opinion. Thanks, Marty.

Of course, Scorcese is also one of the most respected directors in American film history. He has done a variety of films, though I associate him most with the gritty urban character studies like Raging Bull and Taxi Driver.

That is why I was a little surprised to see the trailer for Hugo. Hugo is based on a children’s book and is a 3-D family adventure directed by…Martin Scorcese? Are they sure they didn’t mean Steven Spielberg?

Part of the film has the young protagonist trying to find his way to get his notebook back from the grumpy toy seller at the train station where the boy lives. As we quickly discover that the man is actually forgotten French movie pioneer George Melies, it suddenly makes sense as to why my buddy Marty was attracted to the material (Other than the fact that he wanted to make a film his twelve-year-old could see.) Not to over psychoanalyze it, but I’m sure he could relate to a boy discovering not only the wonder and escape of old films, but resurrecting and bringing back to the surface an old filmmaker that he loved.

But I’ll check my friend Marty’s commentary on the extras to make sure I’m right.

Read More